You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
