Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
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I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
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SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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