I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
smell my finger.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
