all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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