But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Oh god it's open bar.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
