Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
