I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
People in love make me want to vomit
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize