I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
