and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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