We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
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I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
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I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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