I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
