so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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