There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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