My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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