You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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