guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
