i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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