so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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