i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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