We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
