when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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