so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
