It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
