I smell stomach acid.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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