I didn't shave. On purpose
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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