She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
