So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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