i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
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I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
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The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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