And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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