shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
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I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
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Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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