glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
