How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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