NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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