She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
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Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
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First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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