he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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