I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
