sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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