Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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