chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
