Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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