why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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