I wish I could teleport
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
