So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
