At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
