I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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