I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
