Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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