Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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