I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
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