We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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