when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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