Rock
Scissors
Fuck
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
