I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
