Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
