When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
