So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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