Four minutes until I can fart!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
