Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
